You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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