Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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