I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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