OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
