Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
