it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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