apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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