If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
