New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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