She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
