I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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