What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
