I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
