took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
