I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
