So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
