she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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