weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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