you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
