God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
