Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
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