oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
