I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
