I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
