There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
