I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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