I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
