Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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