Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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