and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
