That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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