It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
