i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
