I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
