I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
