hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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