Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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