the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
