I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I checked into jail on foursquare
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
