i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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