She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
