I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
