I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
