Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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