It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
