I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
