great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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