Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
