If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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