why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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