i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
