i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
