Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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