i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
