omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
