Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
