I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
