i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Randomize
